he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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