I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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