If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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