If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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