maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
