I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Less talking, more tequila
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
