I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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