When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
