I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
