Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
