somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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