I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
