Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I believe in your delicious
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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