Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i need some magic done to my vagina
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Your penis caused this!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
