Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
