so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
