I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
