who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
