I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Also, beer. Big fan.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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