I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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