i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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