I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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