so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
