My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I cannot find my penis.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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