my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
