I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
