my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
