After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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