Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
