im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
