just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
