She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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