I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
