I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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