I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
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