if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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