Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
