i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
