once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
