Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My life is pants optional.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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