in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
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