i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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