my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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