tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
