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Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sorry my hands just texted you
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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