i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
