i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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