I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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