hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
