It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
