He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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