my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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